Ruminations
0 
When are they going to run out of names for new cell phones?
Ladies, if you say, "I'm cold" then I am forced to assume you meant, "Look at my breasts!"
Steven Segal's agent is a genius, only at 3 am can you see his newest straight to cable movie. Coincidentally, I am trashed, and this is the only time I think his movies are any good. Someone deserves a raise!
If Girl Scouts ever start accepting credit cards then I am in trouble...
If the person in charge of casting for your movie thinks Anna Ferris would be perfect in any role that does not die immediately the movie should be scrapped.
If you are the kind of person that eats all the super cheesy nachos while I pick at the half cheesed ones, we will no longer be friends.
I think I am too good of a liar, I'm starting to believe half the shit I say...
If you run out of your favorite spice, there is absolutely no point to trying to cook anything. It will all taste like shit.
If I sneeze continuously there is no need to keep up with the "God Bless You" after every one. It obviously isn't helping and I am tired of saying thank you.
If you are at the bar and in a bad mood, fuck you, leave me alone. If you are at the bar, Journey is on, and you are still in a bad mood, fuck you, leave the bar now!
Every time I go to Ikea it's like the first day of school... I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. The only difference is that now it is my bank account that I am nervous for.
If you ask, "Can you do me a favor?" or tell me to do so, I will answer "No." You will laugh because you think I am joking around. I' not, I do not want to do you a favor, especially because you will not return the favor. By return the favor I mean buy me a drink.
When at the grocery store if my cart has a fucked up wheel I will not exchange it. Instead I will hurry through my shopping and get only the necessities while bitching about the annoying wheel.
Sometimes I have so much belly button lint that I think my clothes are going to unravel and fall off.
There is no moral dilemma more difficult then coming to the end of a bottle of liquor at home and having to decide whether to try and save it for another drink or just making your current drink really strong.
Nothing makes you feel older then hearing a song you remember coming out on the "classic hits" station.
If I frantically yell, "Babe, come here, I need help!" That is definitely the wrong time to say, "What do you want? My nails are wet."
I've been married over a year and i can't decide which is better: being told I'm not ALLOWED to do the laundry or passing gas whenever necessary.
Every time Nickleback releases a new song it makes me hate myself or being unable to dislike the song as much as I dislike them.
When the bank thermometer has to tell you when the temperature is positive or negative they should just make it read "Fuckin' Cold."
I've always considered myself a sports fan, but until I was about 13 I thought the Redskins and Bullets (now Wizards) played in the state of Washington.
Every time I trim downstairs I can't help but think that in 20 years I am going to have to answer the question, "Daddy, why do all your friends call you 'One Nut'?"
Found out today that what I call "occasional light drinking" the state considers "problem drinking."
There is one phrase that will get me to leave the bar before last call: "Dude, Taco Bell closes in 10 minutes."
I'm a lot more fun if you are drunk... and the only reason I invited you out is because you are loaded. So, yes, your money will buy happiness.
Whoever invented the squeaky dog toy should meet me in the alley so we can discuss it... sorry dude, I talk with my hands.
It doesn't matter if I spend $20 or $120 at the grocery store...it will only last a week!
You call me a "pussy" because I like drinking Jack and Cokes and all you drink is beer. Yet you say you can't handle whiskey. Who is the pussy?
I am 24 years old, the other day someone in their mid 40's estimated me to be about 35 years old. Fuck you!
How does the internet go down for like 5 minutes? Did Al Gore hit the pause button so he could go get another Coke?
If Firefox didn't remember my passwords for me I wouldn't know any of my passwords.
I am a manager of a restaurant and one of the perks is getting free meals. I find on my days off I rarely eat because I am too lazy to make my own meal.
My wife and I recently got a puppy. Now I noticed that I judge how good of a day I had based on how many "accidents" I had to clean up, not how drunk I got.
Every time I go out with a group of people someone always says, "I'll be the DD tonight, I don't feel like drinking." That person always ends up getting the drunkest of everyone and I end up driving home.
Uecker is a fan of...
Fans of Uecker
wbg009
joe131792
nocleverthoughts
whatsmells
LuckyJrEskie
kristynshields