Was I the only kid who was super anxiety issues when it came time for the deaf test? "Oh shit...am I supposed to be hearing a beep now? ..Why the fuck did they wait until 5th grade to make sure I'm not deaf?"
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I'd always just watch to see when they turned the knob.
Posted by: CodeE42
206 days ago
what a sensible solution...i was far too panicky to think of shit like that.
Posted by: dasskeptische
206 days ago
You were Super Anxiety Issues? That's like the worst super power ever, next to Super Nose Hair Grower Boy, but one up from Hairball Man
Posted by: Danish
206 days ago
-Over the years, I’ve received countless emails from female fans thanking me for providing them with insight into the mind of the twentysomething male. This was never something I set out purposely to do and, quite frankly, if I represent the typical twentysomething male, our entire civilization is fucked. Nevertheless, I began to consider the facts: I am a twenty-seven-year-old single guy and possess the unique ability to communicate with tens of thousands of people at once. Perhaps, if I was able to codify some of this so-called “insight” about my gender, I could provide a much-needed service to chicks around the world. And that’s when I decided to create the Girls’ Guide to Guys – a handy hook-up manual from the dude’s perspective. You can call it “The GGG.”
-Guys typically have unreasonable expectations. It’s not unusual, when asked if a girl is attractive, for a guy to tell his friend, “She’s cute, but if she lost like, say, thirty-five pounds, she’d be slammin’.” We actually believe that if a girl throws back a few Lean Cuisines, she can accomplish this feat. On the other hand, we will steadfastly refuse to change anything – our weight, our hair, or our underwear – to satisfy a chick’s even slightest preference. Our appearance is non-negotiable, no matter what the consequences.
-Guys learned in the late twentieth century that girls don’t actually mind one-night stands, they just don’t want it to feel like one. That’s why modern man evolved the ability to “lay groundwork.” Laying groundwork is as simple as initiating a series of texts or MySpace messages with a girl about seven to ten days before contact is likely to take place. This, we believe, weakens the girl’s defenses by extending flirtation over a longer time period. Groundwork is, in essence, the opposite of a booty call. While a booty call is spontaneous – a shot in the dark fueled by alcohol, groundwork is pre-meditated and thus harder to brush off when it inevitably blows up horrifically in my face.
-Guys operate under the Code of AFS. Ladies, if a guy has ever tried to hook up with you in a public place, or put his finger where it shouldn’t go, or asked if your roommate – who could use a couple of Lean Cuisines herself – wants to join in the fun, he’s merely following protocol: Anything For a Story. Nothing whips a pack of males into a frenzy faster than hearing a compatriot’s hilarious tale of perverse debauchery. The dirtier and more outlandish, the better. The Code of AFS also requires complete disclosure. Even if a guy promises a girl he “won’t say anything about what happened,” it’s a sure bet that story will spread to his friends faster than at breakfast the morning after a frat party.
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