12 
Anybody ever reply to a text right after you get it, but you press "send" a few minutes later to seem less eager? Uh, me neither.
A mall map that does not contain a "You Are Here" sticker is completely useless.
The most fucked up people are also the most fertile.
I can effortlessly remember countless song lyrics and movie quotes, but give me a list of four groceries to buy from the shop and you can guarantee I'll only come home with three of them.
After your born your belly button doesn't really do to much. I think it should still have a purpose, like using it as an emergency drain for when you drink too much, or have it pop out when your full.
Sometimes I like to stand in front of the toaster and try not to flinch when the toast comes out.
How in the world did certain terms come to be? I just don't see a scenario where someone once said, "look at that lazy fuck parked on the couch, sitting there looking like a...potato...Hey, wait a minute, this might catch on!"
Each time I buy milk and check the date of the first one, then see the one behind it is like a week later, I feel a sense of triumph that's likely much greater than the accomplishment calls for.
Whenever I focus on listening closely to what someone is saying to me, I realize that I just missed half of what they said while my inner monologue went on about how important it was that I retain this.
