-It’s hard to believe it’s been thirteen years since I moved into the freshman dorms. I remember it was a tumultuous few days – exciting, nerve-wracking, and hot as fucking balls. As millions of kids across the country begin their own college journey this week, I can’t help but wonder how different their experiences will be from mine. My room didn’t have air conditioning, I didn’t own a cell phone, and Facebook was an actual, physical book with pictures of all the freshmen printed in it. Still, I think there are some words of wisdom my generation can share with this year’s incoming class – wisdom those snot-nosed punks will no doubt ignore as they go back to tweeting while on their school’s brand-new rock climbing wall.

-First lesson: your major does not matter. I have an Econ degree but I’m an author. Back when I worked on Wall Street, the guy crunching numbers next to me had an English degree. The only majors that employers notice are Communications and Sociology – both of which signify that you learned nothing in school except how to drink yourself into oblivion and never go to class.

-College relationships are not built to last. You may envision life after graduation with your boyfriend or girlfriend but it’s not gonna happen. The real world is filled with bills and taxes and careers and responsibility. Trust me, that sophomore who fingered you at the black light party is not the man of your dreams.

-Are you a surly meathead who wears wristbands even when not exercising? Congratulations! You are now a bouncer at the campus bar. You don’t even need to fill out an application.

-No one at school is more stressed than the kid with the 4.0.

-Fraternities and sororities are the stupidest things ever – unless you’re in one, in which case they’re the greatest things ever. Don’t bother trying to plead your case to someone on the other side, though; you have a better chance of achieving peace in the Middle East.