Ruminations
I should do more research before posting what I believe to be an original thought.
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No, Newsweek, I'm pretty sure the first one was one of those early Presidents. You know, the ones wearing the powdered wigs?
You've got to hand it to gangs. At least they know how to carpool.
This year for Mother's Day, I'm going to make Mom feel 30 years younger by bringing her my laundry.
If they can say "Boobies!" then it's time to wean them off the boobies.
Instead of just another guy letting a shart, I'm an underwear bomber.
My wife and I are having a contest to see who can leave the least amount of paper on a roll. So far, she's winning.
I'm going to help support the owners of the losing horse at the Kentucky Derby by buying several cases of lubricants, polish, soap, cement, ink, lipstick, pharmaceuticals, Jell-O, gummy candies, pet foods and agricultural feed.
There's always one douche that corrects spelling, grammar and punctuation. One out of five, I mean. Like the dentist that doesn't care about gum.
If you want to see the super-moon all you need is a ladder and knowledge of when I get out of the shower.
Instead of a bad intercom at the drive-thru, how about a touch screen so we can just punch in our order?
Everyone needs to relax. It's deadly when we're in tents.
My mother wanted me to be a doctor. Sloppy handwriting is best I can do.
Yes, Mom, there are plenty more fish in the sea: selfish, standoffish and bottom-feeders.
If the goal was to see if I could stay awake through eight hours of boring PowerPoint presentations, then orientation was a failure.
When you judge people based on their expressions, that's facial profiling.
Robin Gibb is out of his coma, so he's staying alive.
I wonder when Greg Ham makes it to the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter will ask, "Who can it be now?"
Mom was eating macaroni and cheese from a can. I asked, "How is it?" "Awful!" she said, "You want some?" "Sure, Mom, let me get a fork!"
Fur... Disco... Dick Clark... Things that are dead!
Dear Printer: What part of "cancel all documents" don't you understand? Don't make me get a ball bat and take you out to a secluded field...
Thank goodness they're not coming out with an iPad Maxi. It would only work 5 out of 28 days.
Seeing Titanic? Do NOT order the large drink. The movie is long and there's an awful lot of water splashing around during the last act.
I have a Thyroid disorder: big thighs and a scorching case of 'roids.
The Caps Lock key must be the most touch sensitive of all. I think I'll just have my pinky removed instead.
My wife and I play a drinking game when watching the Ten Commandments. We take a shot every time someone says, "Bondage."
When the kids ask what's for Easter dinner, I always tell them, "Hasenpfeffer!"
Just once I'd like to be introduced to Jack Squat.
I'll never smoke cigars again because I'm tired of looking for that poodle that crapped in my mouth overnight.
Split second: the time between when you tip your cup to get the last of your drink and when all the ice comes crashing into your face.
Waiter asked, "What you want on it?" "Everything." Then the waiter asked, "Onions, too?" "Yes. It's not like I'm going to kiss you."
The third time is getting rather exhausting at my age.
What would I do if I won the MegaMillions jackpot? I'd find out that I'm related to a lot more people than I thought.
I have one office rule: Please refrain from talking to me whenever "Comfortably Numb" plays on the radio.
I just did a search for, "What will I accomplish today?" and it came back "No Results." Never has a search engine been so exacting.
Why did that guy follow that kid because he was wearing a hoodie? According to the neighborhood watch sign, he should be on the lookout for a kid wearing a trench coat, fedora and mask.
If you're going to video blog, please take the time to write out what you want to say before just flipping on the camera and rambling incoherently for three minutes until you get to your point which would only take thirty seconds to say.
I would have to say that the shower after mowing the lawn is even better than the shower after having sex.
Our former US Vice President got a new heart today. Now if only all the other politicians would get the same along with a brain and some courage...
Our former US Vice President got a new heart today. Now if only all the other politicians would get the same along a brain and some courage...
Wow! My neighbor's dog really hates that dog whistle I got. Especially at 3:00am.
It's fitting that Tebow is going to the Jets. Many people take a knee before they take a flight.
My friend's mom is hotter than your mom. She's being cremated.
My wife has so many feminine hygiene products that I think she's trying to corner the cotton market.
If the Mayans were so smart, how come they lived in ruins?
Our local funeral home is now on Facebook. Do I poke it to see if it's still alive?
How's my life going? Let me put it to you this way: I'm driving blindfolded while wearing dirty underwear!
When I get my new iPhone, I'm going to have it call me "Warren Buffett."
When you are the disc jockey at a Bar Mitzvah, never play "Walk Like An Egyptian."
So, I hear Pat Robertson is renaming the 700 Club to the 420 Club. His show's biggest sponsors will be Twinkies, Doritos and Mountain Dew.
I plan to see Titanic when it comes out again in April. Not to commemorate the 100th anniversary of the disaster, and not to see it in 3D. I'm going for another chance to see Kate Winslet's 5-foot nipple.
The only thing my radar dector ever seemed to warn me about was, "You are about to receive a speeding ticket!"
Why can't we have defroster wire thingies for the front windshield, too?
Milk is now cheaper than gas, but my car is apparently lactose intolerant.
I feel sorry for people in the future that will do a search for Davy Jones and instead of the lead singer from the Monkees, they might see that tentacle-face guy from those pirate movies.
Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust. Pass me a cold one. I want to rust!
Driving in the country, I'm drinking beer. Flashing red lights ahead suddenly appear. I continue down the highway, beer bottles I'm tossing. Until I come to the red lights... of a railroad crossing.
If I'm out but not about, do I still have to drive carefully?
I’m not worried if that dollar bill in my wallet used to be in a stripper’s butt crack. I’m more concerned that the quarter in my pocket has been through the entire digestive tract of a three-year-old.
If bananas could walk would they slip on a human peel?
When the package says, “Please, tear along this line,” then the package should, please, tear along this line. Is that too hard to comprehend? I’m about going to go all Ginsu on this bad boy bag!
The most fool proof communications system I have ever had the privilege to operate was the OJCKS System. That’s Orange Juice Cans and Kite String, which works well, until that neighbor kid comes along with his dang scissors!
What do I think about your new shirt? Somewhere there’s a Motel 6 missing a bedspread.
I guess Condoleezza Rice will have to find a different date for the prom.
I think the reason they call it a crawl space is because of all them maggots crawling in and around all them corpses.
Hello, I’m Tom and I’m an alcoholic, chocoholic, sexaholic, workaholic that can’t, for the life of me, remember which meeting is held on which night.
I love when I post a crappy status and it still gets a few sympathy likes.
“Don’t tell me it’s not my fault.” OK. It’s entirely your fault. There. Feel better now?
Shave and a haircut: two bits. Brazilian wax... free!
I would love to take a course in Chaos Theory. I could answer every exam question with “panties and ice cream” and I would be right.
How come all my McDonald’s Monopoly game pieces are for “Diabetes Railroad?”
I think it’s hilarious that Nancy Grace has the new nickname, “TitMom.” It’s the breast… I mean best thing I’ve heard all week!
“Easy Come, Easy Go” is what I’m going to name my combination sex shop burrito stand.
So, which is better to give than receive? A like, a plus or a re-tweet? I'm voting for re-tweet, because I like to do my Tweety Bird as Napoleon impersonation.
My birth was the only occasion where I touched a female’s genitalia without having to buy her something first.
I have two folders that I save email in. One is named “Miscellaneous” and the other is “Etcetera.” I have yet to misfile an email.
Life's too short for non-twist-off bottle caps.
If amateur radio is called ham radio, then commercial radio is spam radio.
Want to know what a heart attack feels like? Take a shot of whiskey and have it go down the wrong tube. At least it felt like a heart attack to me.
Why does every website I visit suddenly act like their server is using dial-up the minute I click “submit?”
I couldn’t find my scissors. It was outside, next to a rock, covered with a piece of paper.
There is wisdom in knowing when to say when, but it’s more fun to party with my fellow dumbasses.
I talk to myself an awful lot because I’m the only one that listens.
Did you know that in the right light, it’s hard to tell the difference between a toaster oven and a hamster cage? I do now. Sorry, Cuddles.
I found a dead fly on my keyboard right next to the delete key which further proves that many fatal accidents happen close to home.
Poor old widow Lipschitz, her eyesight is not so good. She’s moving to a senior housing complex next week. I asked her if she needed my help. She says, “Why bother? I’ll just call that moving company. You know the one; Two Goys and a Turk.”
It takes a special kind of douche to shoplift at a yard sale.
Yes, I fake orgasm. Why else would I ask you for that jar of Miracle Whip before we start doing it?
I only drink beer in bottles, so I guess that makes me uncanny.
I like the gas stations where I can turn off the pump and still squeeze the nozzle just in case there’s like three gallons to come out that was stored in the hose.
Did each clone storm trooper have to complete a physical before joining the Army of the Republic or just one who then filled out his form in a million triplicates?
Titanic and the Star Wars saga were on all weekend long. I swear, that as that Super Star Destroyer is going down, I saw Jack and Rose hanging on at aft.
There are now twelve teams, yet they still call it the Big Ten and they wonder why some athletes have trouble with math.
Would I be able to save an additional 15% if I said you couldn’t use any of my premium to pay for stupid commercials?
My mom would say, “If you can’t be good, be careful.” which is as close to an endorsement to use a condom as a Catholic can get. Well played, Mom!
I wish scientists would work on more worthy experiments to better mankind. Like a slushy formula that prevents brain freeze.
I think the reason I can sing in the tenor range is because I never learned which way my cup was supposed to be.
It’s the 21st Century. Can’t we make a pillow that’s always cool side up?
When Jim Cantore shows up, evacuate the area. When Al Roker shows up, light up the grill.
Tornados hate mobile homes. Hurricanes hate weather reporter’s hats.
There is a difference between a Pos-T-Vac and a Shop-Vac. It’s twenty-six stitches and years of therapy.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk, but since you hit on my wife, I’m willing to make an exception. See you at the visitation, douche-bag!
On the bright side, maybe all the flooding expected with Hurricane Irene will get that urine smell out of the subways, but I doubt it.
You know you’re old when you remember when the cool kid on the block was the one whose parents had “Channel 100” and he had access to the plastic punch card.
I now know I’m old and perverted, because whenever I hear the term “hipster,” all I can picture is panties.
Rumors are circulating that, due to the earthquake, the Washington Memorial is tilted. It’s nothing that a King Kong size Viagra couldn’t fix!
“Our station plays more hours of non-stop commercial-free music!” Translation: Our sales weasels can’t sell worth a crap.
I wonder how many geeks are staked out on Muammar al-Gaddafi’s Wikipedia page right now, just waiting for the inevitable.
My definition of “washed-up” is you’re a free act at the state fair and your entire audience abandons your show because the nightly fireworks have commenced.
I swear, if my place of business was a funeral home, we'd screw up a one-car procession.
I have an idea for a gag gift. A clean pair of underwear in a glass case with a hammer chained to it and a sign that says, “In case of accident, break glass.” Millions of mothers would buy one or two these for their sons, don’t you think?
There is a rock-n-roll cover band in Helsinki called “Gerry and the Genitals.” I wonder if there has ever been a review stating, "The audience cheered when Gerry and the Genitals came on stage."
I would love to see Joey Lawrence on a runaway horse.
Life gave me lemons, so I made lemonade. Now the health department is here to shut down my lemonade stand.
I told a friend I liked this song and he gave me a dirty look and said, “That junk? That song is just ear-candy!” Yeah, I doubt I would like anything that’s ear-vegetables.
I just received a spam that said “I was insecure about my size at an early age.” What age, two? Of course you were acorn-boy!
Just once I’d like to see an auto commercial with the disclaimer, “Amateur driver on open course. Give it a try, douche bag!”
"Nobody told me to read the signs." is not a valid excuse, dumbass.
My niece is learning how to play the clarinet. I told her, “The difference between a clarinet and an onion is nobody cries when you chop up a clarinet.” By the look she gave me, I’m guessing I've lost the "Favorite Uncle" contest with that one.
They say it will be so hot this week you could cook an egg on the sidewalk. This leads me to ask, “Who has eggs in this heat and does your sidewalk omelet include used chewing gum, cigarette butts and spit?”
Maybe the moral of the Harry Potter story is to remain celibate, because none of those fans are getting laid this weekend.
As got in the shower, the radio started playing “You Sexy Thing,” which gave me a sudden burst of confidence and self-esteem. Damn you, full-length mirror!
Yes, I deleted my account on that social networking site. Yes, I quit because of you. No, I'm not coming back.
I’m so old, that I’ll eat corn-on-the-cob just for the opportunity to time my digestive system.
Rest in Peace Sherwood Schwartz. Thanks for creating the fantasies of banging Mary Ann and Ginger on a deserted island, and let’s not forget the incestuous fun we imagined happening between Greg and Marcia. You helped me through my formative years.
They were airing time-lapse video of a thunderstorm rolling in, and then the anchorwoman said, “My, look at how really fast those clouds are moving!” I guess I’ll be getting my TV news elsewhere from now on.
Old reruns are much more better when you're stealing cable.
There should be a hand gesture for "I don't care."
I warn the truck drivers at the plant to avoid the chuckholes as they might inadvertently take out that donkey ride going down to the bottom.
It's too hot to go see fireworks. Tell you what, just rub your eyes. There's your rockets' red glare. Now I'll pop this bag by your ears. That's the bombs bursting in air. Happy Freaking Fourth of July!
Whoever taught J. G. Wentworth how to make the letter “W” must’ve been cross-eyed.
I hate when I forget and wait for the stop sign to change.
I think the perfect insect repellant would be a shirt with flyswatters in the pattern.
Life is like peanut butter on toast. I really don’t have any profound comparisons to follow up with in support of that statement. I guess it’s hard to think up something profound on an empty stomach. I'd just like peanut butter on toast… with honey.
Butterball… Muffin top… Ham beast… Just call me fat, OK? You’re making me hungry!
Ever put a hamster in one of those plastic globes they run around in and spin it really really fast then let it out and watch it walk around and around in circles? Good thing we didn’t have a globe big enough for my little brother to fit into, huh?
When someone says to me “take it easy,” what is “it?” Is it money, work or a penis up the anus? Man, I hope it is money, because I know I can’t take work easily and I really don’t want to try the other one at all.
I went to McDonald’s 24-hour drive-thru at 12:05am and ordered a chocolate shake. The lady said, “Sorry, we don’t serve ice cream after midnight.” She must’ve known that deep down inside, I’m a Mogwai.
Hey everybody! Drinking game tonight! Watch the president's speech and down a shot every time he says, "Taliban!"
I’d like to thank the Gideon people for getting me through some rough times, like last week when I was all alone in a dungy hotel in a very bad part of a strange town far from home and I was out of rolling papers.
I think there is a lot of impatience in the world and I wish it would stop right now!
You people that complain about getting your hand stuck in the Pringles can; you’re doing it all wrong. I just pour the chips from the can right into my mouth. The best part about this method is nobody wants any of my Pringles.
Please, don’t complain to me about the heat. That’s not my department.
A friend of mine told me his four basic food groups were nicotine, caffeine, alcohol and cholesterol. He had a lovely service.
I don’t know why they’re calling it “Wiener-gate.” It looks more like it should be called the “Battle of the Bulge.”
I always thought that food pyramid was just a scheme.
“Is everything a joke to you?” Well, everything but what you just said.
I wonder if Flo from Progressive has any nieces.
Just because I show up on time and do a good job doesn’t mean I care. I’m not paid enough to care. I show up on time because I'm paid by the hour and I only do a good job when you're looking.
Miller Lite said I should buy a beer for a veteran for Memorial Day and that's why I'm out here at the cemetery with a shovel and a twelve pack, officer.
To heck with a car that runs on milk. If we could invent one that runs on alcohol-induced urine, we’d have a winner. “Yeah, this is my new 2012 Whizzer. She gets thirty miles to the fifth!”
I think the reason they call the uneven surface near an intersection on a gravel road a washboard is because you might have to change your shorts when you drive too fast over one unexpectedly.
Saw a sign on the interstate that said "Davenport 35, Walcott 5." Wow, Davenport kicked Walcott's ass!
My wife insists we only buy name brand groceries. I think she has a generic disorder.
I know we were supposed to follow Gallant’s example, but admit it; Goofus was cooler.
If you have multiple personality disorder, how can you put your relationship status as single?
If you have schizophrenia, how can you put your relationship status as single?
You know how there’s always that one house in your neighborhood where the lawn is so high, you don’t feel so bad about neglecting to mow your own lawn? You’re welcome!
For capitalists, we sure don’t use capital letters as much as we used to, do we?
Wow, lady, you look so cool smoking that cigarette in your Fedora. Yes, that was a great look for the Rat Pack back in what, the Sixties? Of course, most of them died of cancer, so go ahead and smoke up, bitch! Can I have your hat?
The worst part is Kirk Cameron is still here, too.
Listen, jerk. Your calling this place a “Mickey Mouse outfit” is not an insult. Mickey Mouse makes billions of dollars.
Actually, I can think of something worse, awkward or embarrassing, but due to the gag order from the judge, I'm not free to discuss it.
I created a sport using spatulas, but unfortunately, “Championship Flap-Jacking” attracted the wrong kind of crowd.
I think we should send those abused animals to those starving kids. Either they’ll enjoy having new pets or meat that’s already tenderized.
Damn you, Victoria’s Secret, for making me hit “play” every time I’m trying to fast-forward through a commercial break.
Is it wrong that when I see that commercial about mesothelioma, I keep thinking of, "Me so horny! Me love you long time!" or not?
Now the nickname "The Sperminator" makes more sense.
Why is the person that wants my money called a bill "collector?" I'm the one with all the bills!
When I managed a cemetery, I was a very important guy. I had over 5,000 people under me.
Stick figures are skinny because they're usually drawn doing jumping-jacks.
My mom said, "I don't like those shows like Oprah where the audience gets prizes or cars, because I'm not there."
They're about to release a new ObL video. I hope it's the one where the kid misses the pinata and smacks him in the face!
When that hourglass suddenly appears next to the pointer, there should be a way to find out what the freaking holdup is!
In honor of Mother’s Day, change your profile picture to one of your mom. Also, give us her maiden name, the last four digits of your social and your zip code. Thank you!
Think you have a funny thought about Cinco de Mayo? Chances are it’s been done and has even been translated into the Yucatán dialect.
My grandma called horse manure “ka-dunk” and I asked her why. She said, “That’s the sound it makes coming out. Ka-dunk!”
If it hadn’t been for us putting bubble bath in the city fountain, that scientist would never have had to concoct a chemical to prevent foam. You’re welcome, Doctor!
One of the neat things about being adopted is I don’t have to fill out that long family health history form at the doctor’s office.
OK. Which one of you had May 2, 2011 in the pool?
If someone tells you I'm funny, don't assume they mean funny as in "ha-ha." They mean funny as in "strange."
Of course I have high blood pressure! That cuff just squeezed the crap out of my arm!
Told a friend that if I did morning radio, I'd go by Tom Wood, the Morning Wood. He said I'd be a dick. I said, "I know... typecasting."
There's nothing worse than blah blah blah blah blah Royal Wedding blah blah.
It never fails. The minute I apply for a new job, I start finding more and more things that really suck about my present job.
If your home has been obliterated, does it really matter how big the tornado was?
I upgraded to the new Twitter, so quit tempting me with the old one. You’re not Coca-Cola, you know.
I just met a transsexual truck driver. He could be his own lot lizard.
I don't know why women get disgusted when us guys scratch our junk. We would watch you ladies do it for hours on end.
My wife and I aren't sure if we're like peas and carrots or unicorns and glitter.
Every time I hear someone mention leg braces, I hear, "Run, Forrest, Run!"
Seems like the Royal Wedding will be on every channel. Personally, I'd rather watch the Royal Honeymoon.
Man it's cold in the Midwest! Did we accidentally set time back a month when we switched to Daylight Saving Time?
The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. That is, if he’s in bed and you’re firing from the doorway.
I wonder if Han Solo had Princess Leia put on that slave girl outfit for “role play” night.
I would love to see how we’d follow the right-of-way at a four-way stop if we all drove tanks.
When I was a kid, my doctor gave me candy so I’d have to see the dentist, who gave me small toys to swallow so I’d have to see the doctor. I think they came up with that one on a Wednesday at the country club.
The non-fat stuff is more expensive than the regular, so I’ll just go with the regular and save up for a gym membership and liposuction.
I'll never forget the first time I saw Star Wars - Return of the Jedi. Finally seeing what Darth Vader looked like under the mask, only to find out he was really Uncle Fester.
People don’t believe me when I say I went to the school of hard knocks until I explain it was a Catholic school run by ruler-wielding nuns.
When visitors ask which restaurants are good, responding with "Burger King or Dairy Queen" doesn’t place you or your town in the best light.
Gyro must be Greek for “good luck getting this taste out of your mouth.”
When I have to see the cashier to get my receipt, you've taken the convenience out of pay-at-the-pump. I think a free slushy is in order.
A slow-loading web page always fully loads a nanosecond before I refresh it. Is there a proximity device attached to the F5 key?
Finally, with the William and Kate souvenir ring, I’ll have something to go with that Heart of the Ocean knockoff.
I live four blocks from work. I don’t commute. I change parking spaces.
If I was an animal, I would not take lessons on how to cross the road from a raccoon.
I think you should never have to send in a resume for just a part-time job.
The Warlock booed off stage in Detroit? Losing. Sorry, Charlie.
Even though I have a cell phone and a wrist watch, I find I still look up for a clock on the wall to find out what time it is first.
I consider myself the F2 key. Don’t touch me unless you have special software.
Are there any movies that Natalie Portman is not in these days? I'm not complaining. I just want to know what movies to avoid.
I felt sorry for the old lady working at the burger joint, thinking she fell on hard times. It turns out Ester’s supporting her gambling.
I’m going to deal with people the way we deal with countries. If I don’t like you, I start with economic sanctions. “Give me your money.”
I want to lose weight before I ride a ten-speed again, because from behind, I look like an apple riding a toothpick.
The only reason some people should get close to a microphone is to lean forward and say, "Thank you! Your total is $5.82. Please drive around to the window."
Dear Mother Nature, Just a reminder that Spring started on Sunday. Please get with the program, bitch!
I like to call radio stations and request the song they're currently playing.
Easy listening music just doesn't sound right without the incessant high-pitched whir of a dental drill in the background.
Air Supply will perform at a local casino. I wonder how many gamblers will go to the concert thinking they can refill their tanks.
The fun part of filling in for my supervisor is letting people get away with stuff he’d lever let happen in a million years.
I really could care less if it's Angus beef. As long as it is actual beef, I'm good.
I don’t think a fire truck should have flames for décor. It’s like having banana peels on a garbage truck or blood splatter on an ambulance.
Hey, neighbor! While you were trying to get your big ass snow blower started, I finished my walk. Want to borrow my shovel? We only got 2".
I think it would be cool to be a dictator. I’d bedazzle my uniform with as many medals as I want. See this one here? I gave myself this for remembering to set the clocks ahead for Daylight Saving Time.
There’s political turmoil in Wisconsin. Tomorrow is the protestors’ “Day of Cheese and Beer” or as we like to call it, “Friday.”
To all my classmates that wrote, “Stay cool!” in my yearbook: I’m blaming you for the sub-freezing temperatures this winter.
Shouldn't the "Budweiser Cam" be wobbly and slightly out-of-focus?
I won’t bank with a bank that has a thermometer. I’d rather they pay attention to my money and not how cold or hot it is outside. Why do banks have thermometers? No two have the same reading. There can't be a five degree difference across the street.
"Ten inches in ten hours” is either: the anticipated snowfall, how fast a snail goes or a really interesting adult film!
I find it difficult to watch Piers Morgan without him sitting under that big red "X."
When my wife is away at work, I get all listless. When she comes home, I get all excited. Now I know why she doesn't want a dog. I'm it.
The eating area was full, so I sat in the PlayPlace to eat. McDonald’s moms are suspicious. Hot, but suspicious.
I think the only good thing about having a cold is how good chicken noodle soup tastes.
I'm now thoroughly convinced that if I could get all my Facebook friends into a radio studio, we'd have the funniest morning show ever!
We got a new color printer-scanner-copier in the guardhouse. Who needs their resume updated?
If the show is "Hannah Montana Forever" how can there be a final episode? Not that I'm not happy to see it go.
When I was in radio, I hated snow days. People would call to ask about school closings right after I'd been on with the updated list. Sometimes, I'd tell them school was open when it was not. I figured they'd learn a valuable lesson that day.
Mom, we showed up early, let ourselves in and found your note on the kitchen table that said, "Be right back. Make yourselves at home." That's why we're naked on your couch.
You know it’s really, really cold when your coat crinkles like a SunChips sack.
Boss, when I ask what your plans are for the weekend, I’m not hoping to tag along, I just want to know where you’ll be, so I can avoid you.
China may have a new stealth jet fighter. I bet it's covered with lead paint.
At a hockey game this weekend, they're giving away free hockey sticks to the first 1000 kids. Nah, nothing could go wrong there.
If 2011 seems familiar, it's because it's the same calendar as 2005, only the special effects are much better and it's in 3-D.
Freezing rain on New Year's Eve. The only ones driving straight will be the drunks.
I work 4:00pm to 12:00am, so every night is like New Year’s Eve. I’m always counting down to Midnight.
Why is it that in every Christmas special, Christmas is in peril? What did this holiday do to deserve this constant threat to its existence?
At work I have to wear an orange vest so the trucks don’t hit me. I have my doubts. It’s the same orange as the cones they're running over.
Real football players don't play in domes, just like real football fans don't need domes to sit in.
Please be careful when wrapping presents in newspaper. The last thing someone wants to see on Christmas morning is "Serial Rapist Paroled."
In the aerobics video of life, I'm the one with a little extra weight doing the low-impact workout in the back.
Buffalo wings are chicken. Chicken of the Sea is tuna. No wonder people have trouble learning English.
I don’t like when truckers call me “boss.” If you’re going to call me “boss,“ bring me a soda and a donut with little sprinkles on it.
I hate feeling groggy. Someone suggested I drink coffee. Now I'm groggy and I have to pee.
I asked Mom about Black Friday sales. "There's a lot of pushing, shoving, kicking and scratching." She said, "I hope I don't hurt anyone."
Sometimes I don’t have time to clear my entire windshield of frost. I clear just a strip across it. I call it the “Tank Commander.”
Most drinking fountains have one of two settings: trickle or geyser.
A local home was robbed of a laptop and several guns. The police hope the guns don’t end up in the hands of criminals. I think it’s too late for that, chief.
Saw an inflatable steamroller with a reindeer in someone’s display. I guess nothing says “Merry Christmas” like venison bent on construction.
Is “lazy ass in a recliner” a yoga position? If so, I’ve got that one mastered.
Paris Hilton is the voice of a dog in a made-for-TV movie. Sounds like typecasting to me.
If the waistband is stretched to the max and the leg-hole hems are ripped out are they still considered "tighty" whiteys?
I think some guys become little league coaches just so they can yell at other people's kids.
I wish my coworkers would realize the office fridge is for storing lunch for today, not stock up for the winter!
Most people love changing from Daylight Saving to Standard Time for the extra hour of sleep, but I love the extra hour of drinking!
Whenever I hear “Baldwin organ,” the last thing I think of is a musical instrument.
Seems to me the only thing a car floor mat is good for, is messing with the pedals at the most inopportune times.
I think they should give you a nickel when you vote. Not as pay, but to help with the decision process.
When I was young and I put on cologne, my dad would say I smelled like a French whorehouse. Why did Dad know what that smelled like?
The nastier the part that itches, the more satisfying the scratch.
A great idea would be a chain of Chinese restaurants along interstate highways spaced exactly an hour and a half apart from each other.
I get nervous when I see a nun on an airplane, because there’s almost always a nun in every airplane disaster movie.
If you’re going to send campaign material on an 6” x 12” cards, you have no right to claim to be a “green” candidate.
Halloween is a time I really wish I had children, just so I can play "candy inspector" after Trick-Or-Treat.
Just because someone offers a differing opinion does not render that someone insane. When our world learns that, the real insanity will cease to exist.
Why is a bouquet of balloons a great gift? You couldn’t think of what to give, so you spent money on bags of gas? Next time, give me money!
It’s a great feeling to be able to turn down a job offer. I think I'll go apply at some other places just so I can turn them down, too!
I bet being stuck in a mine for two months is still better than being stuck on the “It’s A Small World” ride.
When I hear a radio commercial with a long disclaimer, I like to say, “You’re getting screwed!” repeatedly until the fast-talking announcer finishes.
Just once, I’d love to go to a buffet and just pull my chair right up to it.
I hate when I feel like I’m being bitten by a bug, then slap myself and find nothing. Ok, I guess the slapping myself part isn’t all that bad.
What part of “show proper photo ID” don’t you understand? I’m sorry, but your Pizza Palace punch card just won’t cut it.
Hot today. Cold tomorrow. I’m beginning to think Mother Nature is going through menopause.
I wish "don't ask, don't tell" applied to your always talking about the really cute thing your kid did the other day.
All bars should be open 24 hours. Us 2nd shift workers spent 8 hours cleaning up after you 1st shift workers. We demand equal beer time!
I think that when you just lay on the bed all spread out, that should be referred to as "butter knifing."
I have jury duty in a few weeks. I wonder what the judge would think if I wore an O.J. Simpson jersey?
I wish they still wrapped Ding-Dongs in foil. It made it a snack wrapped in a toy.
When someone says they’re so hungry they could eat the asshole out of a dead horse, it makes me wonder. What wine goes good with that?
Couldn’t they make cakes made entirely of that brown stuff that’s left on the cardboard after you have a Twinkie?
What universe are soap operas in when pregnancies take just four months and the kids are in college in just seven years, yet a conversation takes up the whole week?
It's finally happened. I've lost all ambition. I'm going to do nothing about it.
If you haven’t sharpened your lawnmower blade in over five years, you’re not cutting the grass, you’re combing it.
It's so disappointing when lady tennis players wear shorts under their skirts.
Coffee, beer, cigarettes and dope are all derived from plants. If that's all you subsist on, does that make you a vegetarian?
When eating Rocky Mountain Oysters for the first time, it's best not to mention your familiarity with the taste.
I think a real best friend is one who notices you're wearing the same thing as yesterday, but doesn't mention it.
My definition of foreshadowing? When the dealer pointed out that the car came with a tool kit.
Only in America can a dog clean up after a bounty and bounty can clean up after a dog.
You asked for my resume and references, why are you now asking me to fill out your application? Does the job entail writing large amounts of information in extremely small spaces?
I can be suave and sophisticated, but when I say, "okey-dokey," I'm back to being the Mayor of Hicksville.
Most people's breath could knock a buzzard off a garbage truck, yet most agree it's the best substance to clean eyeglasses with.
There's no way to look sexy when you're wearing safety goggles.
Shouldn't the show, "Lie to Me" be about a single woman living with Pinocchio?
A new show this Fall is about college cheerleaders. By what I've seen of "Hellcats," it should be sponsored by lotion and tissue companies.
It's hard for me to tell the difference between the Evening News and Entertainment Tonight. When did Chelsea Clinton become an entertainer?
I think the difference between a looter and an archeologist is at least a hundred years.
The secret to a lasting marriage? That's easy. Just remember those three little words. "Let's order out."
I wonder what they teach in a state-mandated alcohol education class that we didn’t already learn in a college dorm?
When I go to a casino I feel so out of place, because it seems like I'm the only one without an oxygen tank or a walker.
As far as county or state fair food is concerned, I have one rule. If it's on a stick, it's fat free!
Are rats' asses really ours to just give away at random?
I think I'll turn my home into a summer rental cabin. I'll drill a few leak holes in the roof, turn the water pressure down to a trickle and put a large, irremovable, unidentifiable stain on the bed.
I wonder if porn stars practice rhythm method acting.
When I play "rock-paper-scissors" I always come up with "gun." I win!
It sucks being too tired to sleep, but not as much as being too tired to drink.
Do they really have to show the needle being inserted on TV shows?
The media continues to refer to the gulf disaster as an oil spill. I think it's because they're afraid to call it what it really is, an oil ejaculation.
If it weren't for storm sirens, I'd never have met my neighbors.
How does my brain keep track of time so well that it wakes me up exactly two minutes before the alarm goes off, yet when I'm at the casino, I lose all track of time?
I think the red "you're on the air" tally light on a TV camera causes a baseball player's balls to itch.
I wonder if Popeye the Sailor Man is getting more flack now for dating Olive Oyl?
I'm always suspect about that mirror, at the foot of the bed, in a hotel room. What if there's a camera behind it and I end up on the "Adult Desires" channel? Two weeks later, there I am... with that chicken.
When I heard Jimmy Dean referred to as The Sausage King, all I could think was, "Don't they mean Abe Froman?"
I'm on a diet, so I've switched to hot oatmeal for breakfast. It's not bad. I've discovered it tastes best with two scoops of ice cream!
Why is it they originally make something healthy, but then turn it unhealthy? Like granola bars. They added chocolate chips, peanut butter and a chocolate coating. That's not a granola bar anymore, that's a candy bar! A delicious, crunchy candy bar.
Hotel sex is always the best, especially in a double, because there's no fear of having to sleep in the wet spot.
Nothing clears out a hot tub faster than someone putting their infant in it.
So when the oil runs out, will the earth make that straw-sucking sound, like when you're trying to get the last drops out of a malt?
Wouldn't "Pop Tarts" be a great name for Paris, Nicole, Brittany and Lindsay?
I'd rather you not give me the odds. Just tell me what my chances are.
Hey you on the lime green moped. I'm sure you get a lot of ribbing for riding that, but "Bronco Cowboy" on the tank is just asking for more.
Neighbor's riding mower has a cup holder, flame decals and a chrome plated skull for a gear shift knob. I'm calling it the "Grass Chopper."
I hope lots of people boycott BP stations over this oil spill. I'll know where to fill up without having to wait for a pump to open up.
I wonder if anybody ever asked Jesus if he was born in a barn.
I don't think I'd ever go to a hospital with the word "memorial" in its title.
It sucks enough to have man boobs, but do they always have to itch underneath? Looks like I'm copping a feel of myself. OK, sometimes I am.
Sometimes when I eat, my eyes fill with tears. Not just with spicy food, either. I don't know why. I'm just glad I don't spit when I'm sad.
I just noticed that at the end of an episode of the old Knight Rider, they showed him riding away from the sunset instead of into it. What's worse? I just watched an entire episode of the old Knight Rider!
Walmart won't install my watch battery because I didn't buy my watch there. I said "I didn't buy my car here, so, no car battery either."
I don't mind that AT&T ad with Gene Wilder singing "Pure Imagination." It could be worse. They might have used the "Oompa-Loompa" song.
I think ABC used their "Crisis in the Gulf" graphic from when Saddam invaded Kuwait, but for the oil spill. Glad to see someone's recycling.
Ever move a file, release the mouse early and can't find the file or undo the move? Yep, I think that's what the F-word was invented for.
There's nothing more fun to watch than your mom arguing with her sister over who gets to pay the bill, because you know it won't be you.
OK. We have 3-D glasses and now 3-D contacts. I'm waiting for the 3-D Lasek.
I'm sick of politics. The next time someone asks what party I belong to, I'm telling them Donner.
Yes, I attended church on Sunday. I was at the Orthopedic Church of Saint Mattress.
Having your logo painted on a belly won't entice me to want your heartburn medication, but do you have something to keep the puke down?
"Greatest Hits" sounds like "Greatest Tits" to me, which means there's still a little junior high in me and that's a good thing.
Cool: finding out your town has a Monopoly game of its own. Not cool: your street is the Mediterranean Avenue of the game.
Did anybody ever actually play the games Mousetrap or Cooties?
If Pepsi-Cola wants to offer a real throw-back, they'd sell it for a nickel.
If you don't want us to get free refills, why'd you put the dispenser where we can get to it?
When you work inside and someone comes in to say, "Wow, it sure is beautiful outside!" You should be allowed to empty both barrels, right?
Are we sure the attempted Time Square car-bomb was actually terrorism and not just a publicity stunt for "MacGruber?"
I really don't want to hear about your dream, but I really do want you to continue describing it so everyone at work will think you're nuts.
If the doctor ever says "You have just two months to live." I'm going to request July and October.
Now they have birdseed that attracts more songbirds. Can they come up with one that repels more squirrels?
What happens if we happen to have a tornado at the same time that they usually test the tornado siren?
Jay Leno gets flack for recycling bits at the White House Press Corps Dinner? What you expect? At the time, he was a government contractor!
I don't know what's worse: that I now have to use a pill organizer or that there's not enough room in the damn thing.
I'm waiting for the "service engine soon" light to say "service engine now!"
My dad would say, "You haven't got brains to pour piss out of a boot." Why would anyone let piss accumulate in their boot?
The one thing you do not want to hear from a paramedic is, "Wow, that is so gnarly!"
How come if someone asks, "How are you?" and you respond, "Don't ask." they think that means ask more questions?
I was walking to work in my guard uniform when a neighbor kid asked if he had any mail. "Yes and your mom's upset about that note from school."
Why does it sometimes take the browser so long to load when I hit the back button? I was just on that page a minute ago!
My cell phone carrier now offers "Overage Protection." Does that keep the cougars away?
Whenever I get pulled over I remove my shirt just in case they're filming "COPS."
I think "Cash for Clunkers" sounds like striptease night at the old folks home.
Your nose will always be itchiest when your hands are at their filthiest.
Why didn't the Borg queen give Data a real penis? He never would have double-crossed her then.
I think the biggest difference between Fit-TV and the Food Network is that Food Network appeals to a much wider audience.
I wish the label had clearly stated that Jack Daniel's steak sauce does not contain alcohol. It took me three bottles to figure that out.
I consider it a talent when I can get a paper towel from the dispenser by using just one hand.
Wouldn't professional bowling be more fun to watch if they had beer frames?
Why leave the little bit of paper covering the end of my straw? You already contaminated the rest of the straw and stuck that end in my drink!
I think the Weather Service calls it a Thunderstorm "Watch" because that's what we do. We don't hunker down. We go outside and watch!
Movie theaters should never abbreviate on their marquee. I'm sure "Clash of the Tits" left some in the audience extremely disappointed.
Want to know how many dogs are in your neighborhood? Walk around the block while jingling your keys. At 2:00am.
When will people on soap operas learn to close the door when having sensitive conversations?
Fires, floods, tornadoes, earthquakes, and monster attacks? I'd hate to be an insurance agent in Sim City.
The bird on the logo for the IRS looks more like a vulture than an eagle to me, which seems more fitting.
By the time you say, "Live 3-D Triple-Doppler AccuWeather Storm-Watch Color-Radar" the tornado has already passed.
Instead of sending out Census forms, they should call student loan officers. They know where everyone is.
Hey Firefox! Leave the update reminder box up a little longer, will you? By the time I notice and go to click it, it's gone. What is this, Whack-A-Mole?
When I'm making a deposit, why does the ATM beep so fast? Will it explode if I don't get the money in there fast enough?
Who's the jerk that came up with "plug and play?" I got the plug part just fine. Now why won't it friggin' play?
Just once, I'd like to see someone bid $1 on The Price Is Right, only to have the item up for bid be worth 75 cents.
I don't know why, but I can't help but snicker every time I hear, "Release the Kraken!"
Why is it when your cell-phone rings at the movie theater or a meeting it always takes forever to find the damned thing?
I wonder if people who grow bonsai trees ever put tiny little tire-on-a-rope swings in them?
Why do people say the deceased looks so natural at a wake? Did that person always put on fine clothes and lay in a box?
I thought "Undercover Boss" was going to be about David Letterman.
Sure, boss, you can have my cell phone number. Feel free to call me if you ever need a problem.
I heard an ad in English on the radio that ended with, "Se Habla Español!" Really? You use semi-coherent sentence fragments in Spanish, too?
A warm spell during Fall is an "Indian Summer." A cold spell during Spring is "Bullshit!"
I think they should hold the Oscars via Twitter so the acceptance speeches would be limited to 140 characters.
Is it college or is it collage? I ask because, when I wrote my term papers, I did a lot of cut and paste.
There's nothing as overrated as sexual intercourse. There's nothing as underrated as a good long nap.
There's no way to scratch your arm pits without looking like a monkey.
The Girls Scouts were selling cookies in front of the grocery store today. Goodbye, Ramen Noodle money!
I want to start an antisocial networking website. How does "Buzzoff.com" sound?
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